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My new state of mind – “Lassitude”…

Updated: Aug 4, 2022

Yes, lassitude, which the dictionary that Apple so kindly provides as part of the operating system on my old computer defines as: “a state of physical or mental weariness; lack of energy.” That about sums it up.

I know my expectations for myself are way out of whack. I keep forgetting the basic realities of my life: I’m growing too old, lol, I have a slow acting, but debilitating a supposedly cancerous infection and chemotherapy designed to fight said cancer that has side effects?? So, I’m tired and generally not feeling that great. What should I expect? Duh!

These two months have been so unpleasant. My computer tells me that I’ve spent about nine hours a day of screen time. That seems about right. I’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos on everything from celebrity interviews to Andrew Kibe, to prospecting, art, art history, car manufacturing, church services, sermons, people living alone in off-grid cabins, Kenyan politics, and more. Nine hours a day. It’s true that I also read quite a few articles from The Guardian, The Tyee, NPR, the CBC, and lots of internet-based news sources. And I’ve written a bit too. Still, I do a lot of sleeping, staring at my computer screen. I often think about things I could be doing like drawing, painting, woodwork, etcetera.

Sometimes I do these things, generally followed by increased pain in my foot and legs. That doesn’t encourage me to do more things. In fact, it actively discourages me from doing things. So, I go back to my bed for another few hours. This pattern seems to be my fate now. I’m not sure I can do anything about it either. I have been taking close to 20 drugs everyday, plus at least two injections on the bad days. This is not good at all. But it is not all a big deal. However, the effects of these meds will leave me feeling like I’ve been running for like 4 hours. I may spend the better part of the day tomorrow at the hospital waiting to get my blood tested and to get my previous results. That will not put a smile on my face. But, we’ll see. I’ll report back on my next post.

Do I sound like I’m complaining and whining? Well, I am.

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