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CONFESSIONS OF A BROKEN SOUL

SOUL

I am me… I love good food, running with the wind, silence, the view and peace from the solitude of great heights, good laughter, my family, good music, a good bass, my family, books, all that is beautiful, my friends, probably more things than I can remember right now. I have learnt what it is to have the best, and to survive on just a broken will. I now have learnt to make the most of the good moments especially if they have real smiles and hearty laughter, and to use the energy gathered from such memories to look beyond the dark clouds to get to grow in the hard terrible moments. And I would say the most profound lesson has been people, their loyalty and sweet fellowship when things are great and how quickly that turns fake when expecting some grace and mercy when you fail, its dark vinegar made even bitter by them massacring your person in the name of concern, rumors, and no help or refuge if not to just gain another story for the rumor mills.

It’s quite interesting how they at time forget that in pointing a finger they are pointing four at themselves and their yet to be seen mistakes which given a flashback to Mary Magdalene would be written in their heinousness mightiness on the ground for all to sew too. But it’s people, how else do they know how to act? And that’s why I love silence, I crave the shadows, people are scary…and maybe not just me, a lot more like me…

Maybe the next time you would want to point fingers at the lie someone is even after you know their mess, go easy on the judgment because they might be hiding behind the victim stories and lies because you can’t be trusted with their truth without casting them out. That wasn’t the line though.

Thank God for big mercies, that not all people are just cruel and shallow, there are rare jewels around, in my life: people you can trust not to watch you destroy yourself, though they will rebuke you while holding a hand to pull you up, people who listen, who are happy when your days are light, those who have your back, those you can share a laughter with you in your awkward moments, those who don’t get tired to forgive and give you second, third and fourth chances.

A GRAVESIDE RELIGION

I answer to very few people, not because I like being detached from people but because hard times have a way of putting a filter to the smiles, I miss you, hugs, and ‘concerns’. All that. The rule is simple, if I can’t trust you with my failures, for a shoulder to gain strength from, a heart to find help, words that I can find encouragement in, then I don’t owe you a dime on why I failed, or how far I am with getting myself back on track.

But that is the irony of the world around, scratch that, we blame other things a lot, it’s not the world but the people. We treat those who have sacrificed themselves to get us where we are with contempt and accord their respect to those who suit our needs and mood, whether it be fame, or class, or whatever we fancy; We’re often guilty at judging by their rugged exterior whether it’s their background, level of education or lack thereof, their past mistakes. We choose to associate and cheer people in their good times while backbiting them about how we think it ain’t as good as it looks. We massacre people’s characters, reputations and even themselves without flinching, masking it with concern. We are quick to only point the bad about the someone, like they were a waste to be born.

In all that, what we’re most guilty of is the hypocrisy at the same people we abandoned, forgot about, slandered’s graves. Oh then we write a long good eulogy, bring all the food, money, the roses, our company, prayers, comfort…we post them everywhere maze. But looking back, it’s the same things that would have probably made their days then, made their times raiser, saved them even, if we would have given them back then. Lord have mercy, if their ghosts would actually look back at our shamelessness, to ask if we cared why then, or we just came to say ‘good riddance’, how much terror they would throw at us, or how much sorrow they would feel.

Maaaan, this graveside kindness, the Lord revenge me if you only pointed fingers at my suffering only to bring roses at my grave.

OH TO BUY BACK JUST THIS MORNING

I loved the acapella song ‘Don’t Scatter Roses’ by Vocal Union back during my days at Crystal Fountain and JKUAT, so much that it stuck to my title though. I guess some might have been puzzled as to why it was a favorite compared to the much more hip ‘John the revelator’, ‘Zayuni’, ‘Hush’… In fact my friend Sagini laughed his shoes off the first time he heard us sing it, Olive was worried we had sung ‘rozes’ instead of ‘roses’, and I think I was too mortified to tell her we’d borrowed the American pronunciation from the singers. No one ever got to know though why I loved the song.

MEMENTO MORI

Many times we have lived swallowed up in ourselves that we forget that there’s more than us, more that without it, we won’t be. We hold grudges too long, take pleasure in bringing down others in a bid to make ourselves better, we are too proud to reach out first, we are too absorbed in our big little calamities that we forget to see the blessing in those who pray hard then to hold us up, those who delight to make our days great, we are too shallow to look beyond the rugged exterior of people to the real goodness inside.

So we put ourselves out of their reach with time, and just like that miss out on great blessings, ideas, great moments, great days, wisdom for our bleak times, because we are too busy, too tired, too rich, too poor, too single, too committed…you know all the ‘too’s’.

But do well to remember that you shall die. Some of us may be lucky to have the last supper and prepare for our deaths, and possibly those around us, just like Jesus and Bob Collymore did… and maybe some of us won’t have much luck. Whatever the case, understanding that the true legacy is that which is left in the hearts of men, what would you want to leave in people’s lives, what would you want people to say of you when you’re gone, would there are be anyone crying for you to he resurrected, of course not for regrets like mine, but for the much you touched their lives? Now think backward and establish how you would like to live each moment in a view of that, and eternity.

But more than that, what would you want to remember of people at your last moments? It’s said that if you want have a good friend, then be one. So assuming you want a peaceful and contented end when cold death comes to take you, if you want at that moment to look back and give thanks for the people who lit your way not just for doing that, but also for the much joy they helped you get by you making their days, go home now and be kinder, a little more good, sincerely, be truly concerned for others, give a call, write a text and wish someone a good day, surprise someone with a sweet not just dirty water on their birthday, tell someone they’re looking nice, help someone out not just talk about how bad you think they’re doing, cheer someone on, listen to their rants, offer a shoulder when they need someone to lean on, don’t be stingy with your time, and laughter, and hugs; just go and be good, and please start at home, right with your family, your friends, all those in their little ways have made your life bearable.

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